Putting on the Ritz for Christian Cage

When NWA World Heavyweight Champion Christian Cage returns to Canada, to wrestle in Montreal for the International Wrestling Syndicate, during our biggest show of the year Un F’N Sanctioned 2007 at the beautiful downtown Medley, it is time to dress up, to put our best foot forward. To do this properly, we have relaunched our web-site www.syndicatewrestling.com .

Christian Cage will be teaming with “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer to battle Quebec wrestling legend Pierre Carl Ouellet and veteran “Paranoid” Jake Matthews. Also invited to the show is hardcore icon Necro Butcher who will fight for the IWS title against our brawling beer-soaked champion Viking.

We are also pleased to announce that we have an entrant for the EXesS Open Challenge. After EXesS put Stefany in the hospital amd nearly killed her during Violent Valentine 2007, we feared that no one would step to accept EXesS’ challenge, but a figure from EXesS’ past recently emailed me. Ring of Honor and Jersey All Pro Wrestling star Azriel will travel to Montreal on March 24th “to teach that bully some manners!” Azriel has already faced and beaten EXesS in JAPW once before and looks forward to doing the same in the IWS.

Since 2001, our downtown Medley shows have brought wrestling fans the very best that Quebec wrestling has to offer.

Which makes a really awkward segue to talking about the Inter Species Wrestling gala Slamtasia that took place last night, March 3rd, and showcased zombies and tigers and bears. Oh my!

Yeah, I got nothing.

We usually refer to Inter Species Wrestling as our “retarded little stepbrother” but I have been getting complaints from the Politically Correct Brigade. As far as alternatives are concerned, I am torn between “cancerous growth” and “deformed Siamese twin that clings to our back like the hump on a hunchback.” Other suggestions are welcomed.

ISW Slamtasia

Results Quick and Dirty

Attendance 162

Saturday, March 3rd, 2007

Bogey's World, Montreal, Quebec, CANADA

Sexxxy Eddy vs. Kenny the Bastard vs. King Sphinx

The pose-off between Sexxy Eddy and King Sphinx lasted until 4:30. Sexxy Eddy won with the Total Sexxxtasy on King Sphinx at 13:04 or 8:34 after the end of the pose-off/second bell.

Badd Boys (Chad Badd and Brad Badd) vs. Frank Mancini and Dirk Driggers

Badd Boys won with their double team catapult into a clothesline on Frank Mancini at 3:31.

Third Annual Kid Kamikaze Invitational: Kid Kamikaze vs. Justin White

Kid Kamikaze beat Justin White with a roll-up at 10:36.

Grudge Match of the Century: Giant Tiger vs. Beef Wellington

Beef Wellington beat Giant Tiger with a shoulder tackle at 0:31.

Grudge Match of the Century II: Electric Bugaloo Beef Wellington vs. Giant Tiger

New match started after Giant Tiger threatened to rape Beef Wellington's father.

Match ruled a no-contest at 5:59 after a Bear wearing a Combat Zone Wrestling shirt came into the ring and hit Beef Wellington with a chair.

Dream Mystery Partners Tag Match: Lady and the Tramp (Flip D. Berger and Stinky the Homeless Guy) vs. When Animals Attack (Moohammad, the Terrorist Cow and the Iron Sheep)

Flip D. Berger pinned the Iron Sheep with an Apple Piledriver at 13:04.

Coal Miner's Glove Match: Twiggy vs. Fred la Merveille

Twiggy hit Fred with the Coal Miner's Glove for the win after 11:23.

El Generico vs. Zombified

The Pro Wrestling Guerrilla champion, El Generico, won with the BRAAAAAAINBUSTTTAAAH!!! at 10:41

Kill Uno II: Kevin Steen vs. Player Uno

Kevin Steen killed Uno with a Package Piledriver at 14:33.

"Canadian Dynamite" Maxime Boyer vs. Michael Von Payton

MVP submitted to Boyer at 13:41.

ISW Title Casket Match: Viking vs. Izzy Deadyet

ISW and IWS champion Viking defended his title stuffing into the casket Izzy Deadyet, King Zombie Gorelust and a third unnamed Zombie who was hiding in the casket and then closing the lid at 11:59. To celebrate his victory, Viking climbed to the top rope and jumped onto the casket, breaking the lid and crushing the three zombies.

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ISW Slamtasia Detailed Results

Slamtasia started with a three way dance that pitted three wrestlers against each other who have never won a match in ISW: Sexxxy Eddy, King Sphinx and Kenny the Bastard. When the referee called for the bell, Sexxxy Eddy challenged King Sphinx to a pose-off which climaxed with Eddy inviting a lucky fan into the ring so that he could strip for her. When King Sphinx tried to duplicate Eddy’s strip, he discovered that it is much harder to remove your clothes when you do not have tear-away pants. The pose-off ended at 4:30 with the ref calling for the bell a second time as Kenny the Bastard humped Sexxxy Eddy’s leg while King Sphinx tried to cut his pants loose with a pair of scissors.

When I got into wrestling journalism, somehow that was a sentence that I never envisaged writing.

Kenny dominated the match in the early going despite Eddy and King Sphinx trying to forge an alliance of convenience. Kenny was forced to watch Eddy as won the match, pinning King Sphinx with his Total Sexxxtasy, a reverse shooting star press, at 13:04 or 8:34 after the bell was rung the second time.

I feel compelled to warn anyone foolhardy enough to purchase this DVD when it comes out in a couple of weeks that you will be exposed to the mumblings of the world’s worst ring announcer in the entire world. I ought to know he is bad, I have to listen to his tone-deaf warblings every morning when I shower, and I see his ugly puss in my mirror every morning when I shave. You would think that the idiots at ISW would know how bad I am too, they have previously hired me and lived to regret it, but ISW owner, Mike Rotch, was so happy at the turnout for Slamtasia that he was oblivious to my warnings of impending doom. He confided in me that he only needed to sell 160 tickets to break even and have enough left over to buy a Nintendo Wii, and with 162 tickets sold, he had made his goal.

The Badd brothers, Chad Badd and Brad Badd continued their reign of terror in the ISW, physically dissecting Frank Mancini and Dirk Driggers, before ending the contest with the Badd Move, a double team catapult into a clothesline followed by the arrogant foot cover for the win at 3:31.

Kid Kamikaze won his Third Annual Kid Kamikaze Invitational with a roll-up on Justin White after 10:36. Chalk it up to a rookie error by the young Justin White, the NWA 2006 Rookie of the Year. On the other hand, credit the graduate of Dru Onyx’ Torture Chamber for pushing Kid Kamikaze to the limit and forcing the technical wizard to take advantage of the rookie mistake to eke out a win. The fans were so impressed that we conducted a poll to see if they wanted to see Justin White perform at Un F’N Sanctioned 2007 and the fans enthusiastically extended him an invitation to the Medley.

Beef Wellington got his revenge on Giant Tiger in lightning quick fashion, pinning his hated rival in 31 seconds with a simple shoulder tackle. While Beef was celebrating, Giant Tiger complained that he was not ready for the match. The discount store mascot persuaded Beef back into the ring by threatening to rape Beef’s father. The tasseled warrior looked to be in position to win the match for a second time, when a Bear ran out of the back wearing a CZW shirt and waving a chair. The entire ISW promotion was inspired by Beef Wellington’s historic match with “a Bear” in June of 2004 at V. Beef J. Wellington and a Bear were later tag team partners in CHIKARA as “BJ and the Bear”. Beef’s former tag team partner betrayed him on this occasion, decking Beef with the chair and forcing the ref to declare the match a no-contest at 5:59.

For his Mystery Dream Partners Tag Match, Flip D. Berger looked no further than the dumpster behind his fast food employer, recruiting Stinky the Homeless Guy. Moohammad, the Terrorist Cow aimed slightly higher, making a call to the home country for former World Heavyweight champion, the Iron Sheep to come out of retirement. Despite offering his partner decades of experience in the squared circle, the Iron Sheep’s ignorance of new trends in wrestling may have been his team’s downfall as When Animals Attack fell victim to Lady and the Tramp’s unscrupulous and illegal use of Lego to gain an unfair advantage. Flip finished off the Iron Sheep with an Apple Piledriver at 13:04.

A fan described the Iron Sheep as looking "like the spawned love child of Shane Storm and Lambchop the puppet!"

Fred la Merveille attacked me to begin the Coal Miner’s Glove match, so I was rooting for Twiggy to grab the glove and knock Fred’s lights out. Twiggy grabbed the glove first, starting a back and forth struggle for control of the glove which Twiggy won to take down Capitaine Quebec at 11:23. After the match, Twiggy, his tag-team partner Pornstar Juan and his manager, Rikki Radcliff celebrated Twiggy’s victory by lifting me onto their shoulders. This was completely unnecessary and rather undignified. For one thing, I am terrified of heights. Fred was lui-meme rather undignified about his loss, threatening to thrash me no matter how much I protested that I am not a wrestler. Fortunately, Twiggy came to my rescue giving Fred, and his valet Wonder Girl, the Tiny Tim Stunner.

I must grudgingly admit that the DVD of Slamtasia will be worth tracking down just to see the best match in ISW’s history between the PWG champion, El Generico and the 2006 IWS Rookie of the year, Stupefied’s brother by an undead mother, Zombiefied. PWG has gone on record as believing that Zombies Shouldn’t Run, but watch this match and You Will Believe That ZOMBIES CAN FLY! It took a huge BRAAAAAINBUSSTTAAAH! by El Generico to stun the speedy undead long enough for El Generico to pick up the pin at 10:41.

Also during the match, Zombiefied and El Generico broke a chair during a dive sequence. ISW owner Mike Rotch had a stricken look on his face knowing that he would have to pay IWS owner “Uncle” Manny to replace any broken chairs, putting Rotch’s Nintendo Wii fund at risk. Worse was to come though.

An excerpt from Kevin Steen’s diary: “Saturday, March 3rd, 2007. Rewatched my match against Jushin Thunder Liger. I rule. Humiliated sparring partner while training. Picked up my plaques from Pat LaPrade for winning every damn award in the Quebec Wrestling Almanac. Killed Uno.” Let history record that it was with the Package Piledriver at 14:33.

Personal confession time: I hate Michael Von Payton. I despise the man. Not because he’s taller than I am; not because he’s better looking; not because he is more talented; not because he is in better shape than I am. I mean he is, but that is not why I hate him. I despise the man because he has sex with Misty Haven on a regular basis and I do not. Oddly, Kevin Steen feels exactly the same way. At least, that is what Kevin Steen said when he ripped the microphone from me (and my cue cards) to replace me as ISW ring announcer and introduce MVP plus Max Boyer. Normally, Kevin and I disagree on everything. Misty Haven has a male harem! Who knew?

MVP has good reasons to be annoyed with ISW junior official, Alex Hetfield. Twice Alex’ inexperience cost MVP dearly in his match against “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer. The “Pride of the Outaouais” had the match won with a flash roll-up. Unfortunately, Hetfield was just as startled by the move as Boyer and by the time he started counting, Boyer had had ample time to wriggle free. Later, Boyer had MVP trapped in a single leg Boston Crab. When Payton reached the ropes the hold should have been broken, but Hetfield allowed Boyer to drag MVP back to the centre of the ring. MVP resisted tapping to the Crab, but when Boyer torqued up the pressure by twisting the Crab into a Stepover Toehold Facelock Surfboard combination and bent MVP even further into an STF double chicken wing combination, MVP had no choice but to cry “Uncle!” at 13:41.

The main event if ISW was a Casket Match between the ISW and IWS champion Viking and the ground and pound brawling zombie Izzy Deadyet. Viking confessed to me backstage that he does not have a lot of experience with Casket Matches or with caskets for that matter. Fitting his name, most of Viking’s family are cremated to give them a warrior’s burial.

Brawls, on the other hand, are a Viking specialty. Especially brawls where Viking is outnumbered and fighting desperately for his own survival. So when Viking decked Izzy Deadyet’s manager King Zombie Gorelust and opened the casket to throw in Izzy, it was no great shock that Gorelust had hidden a third zombie in the casket. It was not exactly a surprise when the match disintegrated into a chair-breaking brawl. Except perhaps to ISW owner Mike Rotch, who paid over the money for his Nintendo Wii to Uncle Manny, one broken chair at a time.

Viking won the match, stuffing all three of his zombie opponents into the casket and closing the lid at 11.59 He celebrated by climbing to the top rope and diving off on to the casket, breaking the lid and crushing the three zombies. The ISW ring crew carried the casket and the triumphant Viking to the back to end the show.

Please support the “Buy Mike Rotch a Wii” fund by buying ISW Slamtasia when it is released on Smart Mark Video and Fortune Video within the next week or so. You don’t want Rotchy living in van down by the river (well, technically the Rideau Canal) without something to do to occupy his time do you?

The MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT promised by the ISW for the show is that the ISW and the IWS are invited back to Montreal’s Ile St-Helene to put on a show during the Warped Tour’s visit to Montreal. In addition, there will be an ANIMAL CROSSING of the US/Canada border as the ISW has been invited to put on a show during the Warped tour’s visit to an undisclosed US city. (The management of ISW wisely would rather not disclose the location as of yet, fearing that with enough advance notice, officials in the American Humane Society could shut them down for cruelty to animals or cruelty to people or not keeping zombies on a leash or a myriad of other offences.) Expect more details in the months to come.

The IWS proudly presents: Un F’N Sanctioned 2007, Saturday, March 24th, 2007, at the beautiful downtown Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 PM, show starts at 9 PM. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. VIP tickets are almost sold out so order them today. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office. 18+. Card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] .

Un F’N Sanctioned Card to date:

2006 NWA Rookie of the Year Justin White will make his IWS debut

Dan Paysan will defend his IWS Canadian title

EXesS Open Challenge: ExesS vs. Azriel

Battle of 2.0: Jagged vs. Shane Matthews

Quebec Rules Match: Fred la Merveille vs. Shayne Hawke

IWS Tag Team Title match: Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz

IWS Title match: Viking vs. Necro Butcher

NWA World Heavyweight champion Christian Cage and “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer vs. Pierre Carl Ouellet and “Paranoid” Jake Matthews