- 03/19/2009 (7:34:47 pm)
- Sean McCaffrey
One mans opinion on wrestling today….
Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania, where art thou Wrestlemania? It is no secret that Wrestlemania's line-up sucks this year. While as a wrestling show, it should deliver, but is it really Wrestlemania worthy? I doubt it will even be the worst Wrestlemania ever (Wrestlemania 9 and 13 say hello), but in the year 2009, this Wrestlemania comes off like another PPV, not the biggest wrestling event of the year. I think the biggest problem with this years show is that it is lacking in every category. There is no star power (Hogan/Austin/Rock). There are no fresh matches (the top three matches have all been done before.) There was no solid build going into any of the matches. And lastly, while some purists don't care for it, there is no major celebrity involvement, as celebrities have created attention and a buzz in years past.
Alot of fans and internet writers are crying all over the internet about how much Mania sucks this year. What I haven't seen is any solution or ideas that would've been better. In this fantasy booking column, I will show you what I think fans would've liked to see. How do I know fans would want to see this? Well I am a fan of the WWE and would've enjoyed what I am about to lay out.
For fantasy booking purposes, I am rewinding time to the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble is the official first stop on the "Road to Wrestlemania". In wrestling, history is quickly forgotten. Angles are usually only backtracked to the first episode of TV after the last PPV. However, when it comes to Wrestlemania in the post 2000 era, the build-up starts from the Royal Rumble. To give me time to sell my angles and build up a story, I am starting my booking at the Royal Rumble.
I really appreciate you sticking with this column up-to-this-point because I know how hard it is to read fantasy booking crap. Trust me, I'm not trying to politick for a WWE job like Tommy Fierro or anything, I just have some free time and figured there'd be someone who would like a Wrestlemania debate.
Just to give you a quick look, here is my finalized Wrestlemania card. Immediately following is how I'd get there:
For the RAW World Title
(c) JBL vs Shawn Michaels
For the Smackdown World Title
Elimination Match
(c) Edge vs Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy vs Christian
Randy Orton vs Steve Austin w/Vince McMahon
Terry Funk w/Ric Flair & Mickey Rourke vs Chris Jericho
FIRST TIME EVER
Undertaker vs John Cena
Winner Gets First Draft Pick For His Brand
Triple H vs Rey Misterio
Tag Team Title Unification Match
(c) Miz & Morrison vs (c) Colons
United States & IC Title Unification Match
(c) CM Punk vs (c) William Regal
Money In The Bank
Diva Battle Royal
WWE Women Title Unification Match
(c) Trish Stratus vs (c) Beth Phoenix
ECW Title
(c) Jack Swagger vs Tommy Dreamer
Jerry Lawler vs Santino Marella
Before continuing, there are a few things we have to assume:
1. Hogan can't do the show. He's got alot of shit going on and apparently hurt as well.
2. You have to fight with the creative team and sometimes tradition. Personally I don't think the DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL or MITB are necessary, but to get what you want, sometimes you make concessions/sacrifices to make sure the stuff that matters happens.
3. Trish, Austin & Funk will come back for the money and for one last thing.
4. We can convince Vince to allow us to merge the belts since they don't mean anything anyway. What we can do post-Mania is have the IC champion feud with a guy from one brand, then another guy on another brand the next. Same thing with the tag and women belts. This would rise the stock of the belts, create real feuds and not just have meaningless champs. It is scary that Chavo Guerrero is considered a former World champ. It is time to get rid of some of these belts. You can keep the RAW/SD champ if you feel you need a champ for each show.
My main event for the Wrestlemania 25 card in Houston, Texas would feature two Texans - Shawn Michaels & JBL. While I thought the angle on TV between them was stupid and hard to believe, what was even stupider and harder to believe was the lousy payoff. In my version of 'Mania, there'd at least be a proper payoff.
This angle would be simple. Basically, JBL beats Cena for the belt with HBK's help before the Rumble match. Cena is furious about HBK turning on him. Cut to a promo backstage where JBL buys a Rumble entry spot for HBK from either a heel or Vickie Guerrero. Once the Rumble starts, HBK is out at 29 with the bought spot. Mystery entrant at 30 is Cena, with the announcers selling the HBK/Cena history and how Cena won it last year at 30. Final two come down to HBK & Cena, with HBK winning.
You then build up all the frustration with HBK & JBL. JBL plays it off that he helped HBK as part of the deal, but deep down he doesn't want to wrestle him. JBL books HBK in the elimination chamber at No Way Out, and Cena/JBL have their rematch. JBL gets himself DQ'd (yes a cheap finish, but 2 Chamber matches in one show will make up for it.) and HBK retains his title spot by winning the number 1 contender elimination chamber match.
As we go towards Raw, have HBK/JBL do their thing, with HBK & Cena dropping their heat and Cena giving HBK his vote of confidence. HBK is upset about what he's become and promises Cena a title shot if he wins. Eventually the big news going into the match will be the same stip they had at No Way out where if HBK loses he's JBL's bitch forever, where if HBK wins he gets the belt and his freedom. Just simple stuff, with the happy payoff at Mania being HBK winning the big one in his home state. HBK is the best worker on the roster ever since he came back and deserves one more run.
The other title match at Mania would be Edge vs Jeff vs Matt vs Christian. This one is simple to set up. At the Rumble, during the Jeff/Edge match, Christian would've been the guy to cost Jeff the belt, as I believe that's what originally was planned before it leaked online. Fuck the internet fans, go with what you had, as the Christian on ECW stuff sucks and Matt as a heel is unbelievable. Sell all the EC & Hardy history, do some tag matches on TV, Edge retains in the Elimination Chamber at No Way OUt and boom there's your match. Jeff Hardy gets that Wrestlemania moment by lastly eliminating Edge to win the belt.
Orton vs Austin, another easy match to set-up. After the attack on Vince, Orton continues to run roughshod. Orton becomes a wild rulebreaker, running in on guys and giving out RKOs and punts. Order needs to be restored. First in the form of Shane, where Shane gets killed by RKO, none of the crap we saw on TV. Steph gets involved and boom she is done too. Linda finally comes to try to restore order, but the old bag takes an RKO too. At the RAW after No Way Out, Vince is back and announces he will get control of his show. He had to do the one thing he thought he'd never have to do. The one person he could never fully trust. Cue the glass shattering, Austin montage and AUSTIN ON RAW NEXT WEEK graphic. It's been a while since we had beer truck anyway, and the fans would pop for that. You can have Austin stun Legacy but Randy always escapes in the end.
As far as a finish, Randy would go over, with light interference from Legacy. Randy would bail to the back. Austin would stun priceless and do the beer celebration. Vince comes in the ring to toast him. They toast, Austin stuns Vince too, makes the crowd happy.
With Funk going to the HOF, I would tie this in as his last big match. Jericho can do all the shit he's been doing with the Legend beatdowns and all that stuff. Finally Flair brings out Funk and we have a wild brawl on RAW (I would've done it this past week Raw, when they were in Texas.) Funk cuts killer promos on Jericho and vice-versa. Jericho can lace into Funk verbally pretty well. Jericho can cheat in the match at Mania, but this can lead to Flair distracting the ref and Mickey Rourke throwing a killer right hook at Jericho behind the ref's back, leading Jericho to walk into one of Funk's finishers for the win.
Taker vs Cena may have occurred during Cena's rap run, but I can't remember it which means most fans probably couldn't either. This would be the first dream match between the two with serious hype. Cena can play the respect card and that he owes it to himself to test out the legend and the phenom himself. This would also be a Raw vs SD match that the WWE can hype that way. Taker goes over clean at Mania, but bows in a sign of respect to Cena to keep Cena strong afterwards.
Now here's a match that would never happen - Triple H in a non-title match at Mania. Ever since Wrestlemania 18 (7 years now), Triple H has been involved in a World Title match at Mania. It would be time for HHH to sit out this one to let others shine. Maybe HHH will sit out a title match this year if you promise him to be the one to kill Jeff's title win after the Edge program. With the draft on its way, you can play off SD's rep HHH vs Raw's rep Misterio in a winner gets the first draft pick for their brand. To appease the Game, Triple H goes over, and makes it clear that he hopes Misterio comes to Smackdown because, brother, he respects him.
I think the tag team titles v tag team titles match at Mania has been built up ok. The only problem is it's been happening on shows no one watches, and needs to be acknowledged on RAW. Like I said before, I would unify all these smaller belts that have been stagnant and meaningless. This way, if the tag division sucks on one show, bring in the champs. This way the belt defenses on free TV mean more as well because you won't always see it on RAW. In the same vein, I would unite the US & IC belts. I would have Regal win the US title and rename it the UK title, doing what Lance Storm did to that belt when he "Canadian-ized " it. Punk is your American hero for this story, and a GTS at Mania on Regal would make Punk the undisputed mid-carder champion.
Money in The Bank I don't think would be necessary for this year's show with all the interesting angles and star power, but we have to get 8 loyal guys on the card somehow, and this is the match where it would take place. As far as who goes over, just like what is really going on, I have no idea. Kane has been so neutered that it wouldn't mean anything. Maybe Batista could come back as a surprise and win. Ideally, I would just probably put Big Show over then do promos after the match how he's a world champ on all 3 brands before and is a threat for any belt at any time.
Like I said, I wouldn't do this match, but you have to get loyal guys on the show somehow. I would've just made the four way SD match a TLC match, but with this match on the card, you wouldn't want 2 ladder matches, but if I could scrap this match, I would, and make the Edge vs Christian vs Matt vs Jeff a TLC Title Match.
Trish Stratus is arguably the best womens wrestler WWE has ever have and easily the most marketable/profitable. Trish is open to working with the WWE again. Beth would've destroyed Melina at the Rumble and never would've lost. On SD, I would have Maryse do open challenges and how she is the best thing to ever blah blah blah. Trish answers the challenge unannounced on SD and wins the Divas belt. Over on RAW, Beth is dominating. Beth needs to be pushed more like a Kong-type. I'd have Beth destroy Trish on TV to start, then maybe set up a tag between Lawler & Trish vs Santino & Beth on TV. On a side-feud, have Santino ogle Trish and make it known that he wants to be with her behind Beth's back.
As far as Mania, Beth goes over clean. After the match, Santino Marella comes in to give Trish a spanking for not giving in to his advances. The winner of the Divas Battle Royal, Gail Kim (announcers hype up that Gail won a battle royal to win the womens belt in her first match several years ago) comes out for the save. Gail & Trish hug and Trish annoits Gail the savior of the Divas. Just like how Gail got Kong over, I would use Gail to get Beth over after Mania.
My two closing matches are simple stories as well. I'd have Dreamer/Swagger continue their ECW feud. Dreamer does promos saying he doesn't have long left and wants that one more taste of glory. Swagger can mock the old ECW - the bingo halls, the stupid chair shots, no money, etc. Dreamer has pride, and goes over at Mania for the belt. Dreamer can quickly drop it on TV's the next week or in a Backlash PPV rematch.
Lawler vs Santino could be the second match of the Mania card, as I'd open up with MITB. It would be a simple comedy match. The feud would start with the Beth/Trish stuff, when Lawler defends Trish. Santino could harrass JR on Smackdown, when Beth goes over to attack Trish, and Lawler would also be helping his pal JR. Lawler goes over quickly, and goes to the broadcast booth to celebrate.
I'd also do a promo in the back, where all the legends of the show are hyping up Funk for his match. I'd have Lawler drinking a bottle of water and when he was done he'd throw it to the side without looking. All of a sudden you hear "OWWWWWWW MY EYE!" Funk and Lawler would make contact with Funk saying he's just kidding and Lawler would wish him luck going into his match with Jericho.
The only downside of this show would be there that would be 13 matches. However, the show is four hours long. Lawler/Santino would be a minute or two. The battle royal would be 6 minutes. Dreamer & Swagger would be quick as well. Mania usually does 10-11 matches anyway, so I think it would all fit in. Plus if you cut the MITB match it would be 12 matches with 3 quick ones.
It is fun to dream, because in reality here is our card:
HHH vs Orton for the millionith time where the focus of the buildup has been Tom & Jerry skits.
Cena vs Edge vs Big Show. Which one doesn't belong? Plus this feud has turned into a romantic chick flick comedy and not a world title feud.
JBL vs Misterio in a meaningless IC title match where 2 weeks before Mania these guys have never had an issue.
Jeff vs Matt because the first match/feud they had was so great.
Jericho vs a guy who can't walk, a guy coming off cancer & a guy who hasn't wrestled in nearly 15 years.
Swagger vs??? Good way to build up the ECW title.
MITB match where the competitors have been so devalued over the last year that nobody knows who is going to win because no one is seen as a future main eventer.
Tag Titles match, which has been built up ok, but not done on the show everyone sees.
HBK vs Taker, which should be the real main event and the only match on this show that seems worth buying. However, this match has happened before and isn't fresh, but at least it happened 12 years ago and there are alot of new fans who don't remember it.
Divas battle royal, but no Diva championship matches nor any names of Legends that are supposed to be involved.
On paper, this is a good show, but just not Mania quality. It is sad that in the 15 minutes I thought about this column and put it together, I think I came up with a way better card than what we are getting here. What are all these writers getting paid to do anyway? With the Rumble doing a bad buyrate, the only way this show is going to sell is based on Wrestlemania having the "Superbowl of Wrestling" brand name on it. There is nothing outside of the "Wrestlemania" name that will sell this show to casual fans.
With TNA sucking more balls than a drag in jail and Mania looking so weak, just what exactly is keeping us watching? I don't have the answer to that.
Sean "The MiC" McCaffrey
[email protected]
